


Memories and Observations

by TheShadowsmiths



Series: Fireteam Daybreak [13]
Category: Destiny (Video Game)
Genre: FireteamDaybreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-27 19:35:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12589048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheShadowsmiths/pseuds/TheShadowsmiths
Summary: Laila finds a few of Cayde's old journal entries when recovering the contents of some of his stashes, and one particular page evokes a vivid memory that eats away at her conscience the longer she keeps the truth to herself.





	Memories and Observations

The forward slump in his shoulders told her everything she needed to know- it had been years since she’d seen him like this, and the Exo Vanguard’s ability to cope was deteriorating rapidly by the day.

Cayde had always been chatty, but not nervous chatty, and she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d heard him hum. The silence never bothered him unless he couldn’t get his mind off something.

It had been a long time coming, of course. First Crota, then Oryx, SIVA, and now this? The Red Legion, the City and the Tower destroyed, thousands of Guardians and innocents murdered… Things hadn’t been this bad since Twilight Gap, and she didn’t know anyone who was “handling it” well in spite of their victory. They were all still raw, and with the loss of their eldest Titan, Daybreak was no exception. But Cayde was worse for wear if just for the fact that his fraying nerves were finally starting to wear thin and snap, and it showed.

To anyone who didn’t know him well enough to see it, the hunter had been acting more like a child than ever before, which was making him hard to deal with (the word “annoying” had been thrown around more than usual). But she saw it and she wasn’t fooled at all- where Cayde would have usually wanted to compile thorough intel and make sure the work was done right, he pawned it off onto Devrim without giving any inclination of what he needed doing. Where he would have sought out a trusted friend to help him with a dangerous plan, he had recklessly charged in with a hot head, zero shits, and the idea that he alone could put an end Ghaul and his plans. Spinning reminiscent tales from his early days of being a Guardian turned to aimless babbling, and he lacked patience more than usual in that he felt that any amount of time spent sitting still or planning was a waste, even to read. And above all else, she’d finally seen the fire go out in his eyes. 

Loss had hit him hard, and grief was poisoning his demeanor in ways that made her heart sink, so maybe this wasn’t the best time to bring up the journal pages she’d found in one of his caches and the memory they’d triggered. But when would it ever be? And how long would she be able to keep it a secret from him? Would he be upset if she didn’t say anything?

Gentle hands smoothed over the crackling paper of the map as she held up one corner and pinned it in place, her mind still processing a thousand questions per millisecond. Perhaps she should let him decide whether or not he wanted to know, at least then the decision wouldn’t be tormenting her like it was now.

“Ah hah!” Cayde clapped his hands once and bounced back onto one foot as he stepped away and held out his hands victoriously. “Much better, doncha think?” He asked as he stepped back and admired his new corner of the hangar. “No more kinder-guardians trackin’ their muddy boots all over my map.“

Laila forced a smirk and a quiet laugh as she shifted her weight. “No, now they’ll just use it as target practice for their knives,” she said as she snatched one of his off the table, took a few steps away, then turned and aimed her throw at Firebase Hades. The knife tip hit with the sound of wood splitting and wobbled as it shook off the momentum.

He gave a low whistle and offered a “Nice throw”, to which she didn’t respond, instead went back to helping him unbox some of the books he’d brought back from one of his stashes. It wasn’t like Laila to avoid eye contact unless she was trying to hide something, he knew her tells just as well as she knew his. Cayde pressed his lips together and pushed his upper lip to one side. “Mmmmph… I know that look. What’s on your mind?”

Jaw clenched and she hesitated before looking his way, reached for the pouch on her hip and slipped the journal pages into one of his books for good measure. He’d get to that eventually, but as for her memory… Better now than later, she decided.

“Cayde… do you ever want to remember what you’ve lost?”

“This again…?” he chuckled and shook his head, took a few steps toward her, crossed his arms and leaned against the wall beside her. “I thought you’d remembered everything,” he started lowly, “I thought you were done asking questions.”

“I am,” brows lifted with a soft, fervent blink, and she set her eyes on his. “I’m asking about you.”

“Oh,” he blinked in surprise and gawked for nearly a minute, opening and closing his mouth, grunting a few “huh”s under his breath. The question had sure through him through a loop, or four. But eventually he stopped and threw her a confused look. “Okay… what brought this on?”

“There was a conversation I’d forgotten we’d had- after my conversion, in preparation for yours,” she admitted as she recalled, the fans in her chassis spinning up just a bit. Her anxiousness had been slowly increasing her internal temperature.

“So you remembered something about my past?”

“Sort of… I only remember what you told me.”

“Oh yeah?” he asked with a little grin. “What was the tone of it..? Happy? Sad? Suggestive?”

The huntress cast a solemn gaze off into the space next to him in response, and the playfulness in his tone faded

“Sooooo… bully-kicked-your-puppy sad.”

She pressed her lips together, nodded and shrugged, not wanting to go into detail until she knew he’d wanted to hear.

Cayde looked down and went quiet for several moments as he sighed, shifted and shuffled his feet. Of course he was curious, but never to the extent she had been. Not to the point of Thanatonautics anyway. Normally he wasn’t one to share his thoughts with others or go into detail about his personal life, but she was an exception. Laila had been deeply ingrained in his for a while now, in this life and the last, and it was hard to keep things from her.

“I’ve found a few things here and there that have given me an itch I can’t scratch… but most of the time, no.”

Laila’s brow hardened as she tried to decode his words, his tone, his body language. Cayde was easy enough to figure out, usually- most of the time she just knew what he needed, but this was different. This was new. This was foreign, and in his current state, this was touchy. Whatever she said, she needed to be delicate.

“But what if you’re forgetting something important…?” she asked with a lift in her brow plates. “Something you wouldn’t want to forget?”

Eyes squinted and he lifted a closed fist to cover his mouth and chin as he considered his answer. “Well that depends, what exactly do you mean?”

“You know… loved ones? Family?” she asked with an expectant look.

“Ah,” he replied flatly and let things go quiet between them for a moment. “I guess that is pretty important.”

"Pretty important…?” she scoffed. “Cayde, that’s everything.”

“Well, yeah, in a previous life maybe,” he started as hands gestured out to his sides and he shrugged, “But this ain’t my old life anymore.”

She shook her head sadly and lifted a hand to cover her mouth and hide the quiver in her jaw, eyes focused on the floor next to his feet. “No, but you deserve to know.”

Cayde sighed audibly with a quiet thrum in his chest. If it was about his family…? He did want to know, but at the same time he didn’t. He could see the way this secret was tearing into her, and it wasn’t like her to allow herself to become visibly upset by much of anything. Nothing but smiles and laughter replaced by borderline tears and repressed crying.

“Maybe it’s better you keep this one to yourself… at least for now.”

Eyes lifted and locked onto his, needing to see that he was being serious. “Are you sure about that…?”

Cayde gave her a firm nod and looked right back at her so she’d understand. “While I appreciate you looking out for my best interests, you look like you’re already hurting enough for me, so I’m going to assume that whatever it is we talked about, it’s not exactly a conversation or a memory I wanna relive.”

“That’s a fair assessment,” she agreed, “but if you ever change your mind…”

“I’ll ask if that day comes,” he assured as he placed one hand on her shoulder with a hint of a thankful smile. “But knowing isn’t gonna bring them back. I’m sure they were good years, but I’ve got a new family now, and I gotta make sure I do all I can to keep them alive, and I can’t be distracted by my personal problems.”

Laila smiled quietly and directed her gaze over his shoulder with a small chuckle, then back to him. “Cayde, as long as I’ve known you, you’ve handled your personal problems with poise.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“You should, it’s easier for most to make their problems everyone else’s problem, but you’ve always put everyone else first. It’s admirable.”

For a moment he didn’t know what to do. This was a rare occasion indeed, what had he actually done to deserve her respect? The compliment came as such a shock he actually stopped thinking, squinted, leaned down and scowled as he looked her over, patted her cheeks, and placed a palm over her forehead. “Alright, you may look like her but who are you and what have you done with my friend?”

The huntress sighed and rolled her eyes as she swatted his hand away, and he smiled back with a fondness in his eyes that she had only ever seen once or twice. For a moment she forgot that she had been hurting just minutes before, until she remembered the first time they’d met, and then in a flash of memory, everything that had come after.

Cayde eyed her with a small sigh as her smile faded and she reverted back to being sad, then held out open arms. “Do you need a hug?” he asked although he knew he didn’t need to. Laila closed the gap between them before he could even get the words out, threw her arms around him and hugged him tight as she pushed her cheek against his chest and nestled her head under his chin, and he responded by slipping one arm around her shoulders and placing his other hand on the back of her head to brush at it with a soft, soothing touch.

“In case I hadn’t said it already… I’m sorry about your family,” she whispered between them.

Cayde’s gaze fell from the wall, to the floor, to the top of her head, and he closed his eyes and squeezed her a little tighter as he leaned the side of his chin and jaw against the top of her head. It had been too long since he’d known simple comfort, and now, more than ever since his resurrection in light, the need to stay in that moment -in the calm and the company- had consumed him. And he wondered briefly what it was she could have known that he didn’t already, but it was replaced by the guilt of asking her to suffer the memory (his memory, his secret) alone until he was ready to know the terrible truth. Where again the question surfaced: what exactly had he done to deserve her kindness? Her continued loyalty? Sometimes he just didn’t feel worthy.

But he had spent enough time learning to trust her judgment, and if she thought he was a good egg, well, then he was a good egg, no matter how much he felt otherwise.

“I know,” he whispered back, “Thank you for caring.”


End file.
